you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
