i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
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Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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