I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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