my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
cat food counts as protein by the way
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
