The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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