Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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