Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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