eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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