first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
