There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
