My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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