you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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