Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
