The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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