My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
