i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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