If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
