Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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