i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
