I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
