i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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