Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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