I wanna passion pit in your ass
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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