Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
