I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
where are you?
Hypothermia
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
