you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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