i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
