the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
