Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
