A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
a search helicopter?!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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