you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I don't deserve a penis
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
