I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
