Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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