I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
