I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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