I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
