Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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