low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
