Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is Oprah even human
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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