I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
