i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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