Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
