the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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