dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
