Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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