This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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