he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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