Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
