Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
