I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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