i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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