Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants