Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
