Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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