I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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