we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
