He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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