So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
