I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize
