Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
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I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
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her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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