I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
