im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
