I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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