tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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