U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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