Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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